No one tells you when you sign up for your ride on the Mom Train that mixed in with all that bonding and the afterglow of delivering the devil’s spawn is a heaping helping of green, gooey nose custard on a fairly regular basis. This is made worse when your kid is allergic to EVERYTHING and gets monthly ear and sinus infections. I often find myself completely covered in snot and drool and even after nearly seven years in; it never gets less disgusting or appealing.  Let’s not even talk about vomit or poopies.

In less contagious news…

I finally got myself an iPod Nano. LOVE IT — three snaps in a circle! I’ve had a blast filling it with all of my favorite songs and it’s brought back a crapload (the metric form of shitload) of high school and college memories. I’ve filled it with Sonic Youth, Pavement, Violent Femmes and DropKick Murphy’s just to name a few. Love it, love it, love it!

So, anyhoo… time to get back to the sick kid. Mommy stayed out way too late last night getting the new Twilight DVD (SPECIAL EDITION BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!) and I’m ready for a nappie myself. Goo goo. Nini.

And how. Seriously. Yesterday, after the bloodbath that David insisted on making me watch; we took the kids to the library. I really wanted to go because I’ve been craving a new delicious read. I certianly found one. I rented Emily Giffin’s Baby Proof and found it to be completely and utterly fantastic. I could not put this book down and read it pretty straight from 6pm until 3 in the morning; picking it up again at 8:30ish and reading until 1:30, where I turned the last page. There is no other word than absolutely delicious. And I absolutely fell in love with the characters. I will miss them. ::sniff sniff::

David and I had some very meaningful conversation in the wee hours of the morning as well. We talked about life and our marriage and how happy we make each other. It was really sweet and well worth the exhaustion this morning.

Despite feeling like a zombie, the man made a fantastic breakfast of eggs, toast, bacon and hashbrowns. Yummy. We watched the kids frolic in the living room for a bit and then turned our attention to the Phillies game, where we are currently watching the Phils hand the Brewer’s their ass.

Can Sunday get any better?

Well, yeah, it could. I’m worried about an upcoming mammogram for some minor boob pain. That’s on Friday. And, well, the wash /could/ do it’s damn self. But other than that, seriously? Nirvana.

But it’s not my fault. It really, really isn’t. Grab your favorite designer coffee’d concoction and sit down for a minute like we’re girlfriends. I have a story for ya.

Halloween was rushed and hurried as I had to work that day. The kids had a wonderful time and there was oodles of candy to be eaten by all. Lex had school the next day so we cut our trick or treating short and bustled back to the car. Everything was nice and peaceful and lovely. And then Thursday happened.

I was having a PMS-induced psychotic episode. I yelled at Luke for breathing the wrong way that morning. We took Lex to school and came home. Luke went peepee on the potty like a big boy and I decided to treat him to McDonald’s for doing such a great job. And, of course, in redemption for my behavior in the morning.

As it’s 50 below zero here (well, it’s in the 40’s…. shuddup), I picked a McDonald’s with a PlayLand. Mistake number one. We ordered our lunch and ate as our arteries clogged inside of our thermalized chests. After eating Luke went to play in the PlayLand. To make a long story short, he broke his arm. At McDonald’s. The place that was supposed to be his reward for good behavior.

We spent six hours in the ER. They reset it, cast it and sent us home. We have follow-ups with the orthopedic doctor scheduled for the next 10 years. Or so it seems.

And not to sound like my dog ate my homework or anything, but the fucker did eat my laptop power supply. I have another one now, and everything is right in the world again.

AND, I am now Mrs. Booker. So, getting married kinda interfered with my blog writing time. Photos here should you be interested in taking a peek.

Sorry, internets. I’ll do better this second week. I promise. Tell my kids to stop going to the damn hospital though!

Not really, but I do seem to have a nasty case of PMS. Let me tell you a little bit about my life last week.

Wednesday, I started back at work. The schedule (Wed – Fri 10am-2pm and Sat from 9-1)that I was on was no more relaxing as it involved a lot more running around than working full-time. The only benefit? The day began later as my caveat to going back to work was that I was able to drop Lex off at school. Still, I wasn’t getting home until 4:30 most days, some days later. The rest factor was almost non-existent.

On Wednesday night, we went for our marriage license. The application process went off without a hitch. Well, except for the fact that we learned that the person who was going to perform the ceremony was not “qualified” according to the PA’s latest dumbass law passed on September 7, 2007 that stated that any internet-ordained minister or any minister who did not lead a congregation was not eligible to perform marriage ceremonies; leaving the beneficiaries of the marriage ceremony not legally married at all. Why shell out the $350 bucks then? So, David and I decided to do it the old fashion way: County Courthouse. Woohoo! My best friend Heather knows the mayor of Hatboro, a tiny town in Montgomery County which is located not too far from here, so we’re trying to get married at Hatboro’s Borough Hall instead. Regardless, my impending nuptials are to take place on November 7th. This hasn’t done fuck all for my level of stress lately.

I wish that I could report something happy for you. I wish that I was in a better state of mind. But I’m not, and I can’t even fake it. This being said, I’m extremely excited and happy to be getting married to David. It just seems that life is throwing a bunch of lemons at me lately and I’m kinda sick of squeezing the damn things to make lemonade.

Today, I go to work. My boss and I worked out a deal where I’ll work Tuesday and Wednesday from 10-4:30 and Friday from 10-6. Much better as I will get four whole days off of work instead of the proposed two. And the best part? NO SATURDAYS! I guess, in retrospect, it could be a lot worse.  For the first time in a year and a half, I get a whole weekend off!

The childrens need some breakfast, so I better return to the land of poopie diapers and runny noses.

This morning, Alexa had an appointment with a neurologist from CHOP one of the most renowned childen’s hospitals on the East Coast. Being the asshole that I am, I didn’t begin to get ready until about 7 for a 9am appointment. Under normal circumstances, this would be fine. However, when in the face of unchartered territory, I begin to freak out. Luke made it a point to be extra-specially defiant which really did wonders for my state of mind. Three year olds suck. So, I found myself running around, ruddlerless, screaming at the boy as if the increase in decibels were aiding in the expulsion of demons. Before we left the door, I had a headache.

Mapquest, them fuckers, gave me inaccurate directions leaving me about 5 miles in the wrong direction; though a quick call to the office got me back on track. My hands were clammy, my heart was pounding and I swear to God, if that kid told me “Shh!” one more time I was going to commit a murderous act. Once inside the office, the fun continued.

David accidentally threw away Alexa’s medical card when I had one of her last 3 million antibiotics filled. The receptionist could only register her by her card number. Since her insurance is through BIODAD, I had to make a quick call over to him to get the information. I was seconds away from having a meltdown. I was stroppy with the receptionist and wanted to rip her old face off. However, BIODAD picked up the phone on the first try (miraculous) and we were taken back to our room shortly after. The nurse practitioner was amazing! She took the time to record the entire traumatic event that was Alexa’s seizure. She then ran the information over to the neurologist and both concurred that Alexa did not have a focal seizure at all, but a complex Febrile seizure caused by the hella-potent infection that she was fighting off. Given that she is autistic (STRIKE 1!) and that the seizure was brought on by such a low-grade fever (STRIKE 2!), they fear that she may have more in her future. However, they sent me home with some meds should she ever have a seizure here with a back-up pack to keep at school. I feel satisfied in having an answer now that makes sense.

I just wish I knew why I wanted to bite everyone’s head off? Perhaps I was hungry or perhaps I just am beyond my stress limit. I normally don’t loose my patience with office staff, no matter how retarded and unaccommodating they may be. I do know a tropical fruit smoothie and a cigarette did wonders for my mood.

Other than that, I return to work tomorrow. Yippee. AND, David and I get our marriage license tomorrow. It’s beginning to feel real.

Last night, David and I watched the kids of a good friend of mine. I have been craving another baby; much to David’s dismay. David came neutered when I picked him up from the pound, so there is really no reality of this ever coming into fruition. Still, I hear the gentle ticking of my biological clock whispering to me that babies are good things and that I should have another. That is, until last night when every egg in my body, my uterus and my fallopian tubes committed suicide.

I love children, I do. These two children, in particular, are amazing. However, five hours of being responsible for someone whose ability to communicate relies solely on the shrill shreik of Satan has left me wanting to double bag David’s shit and stick a candle lighter up my vagina to burn off any parts of me that would facilitate the ability to create another child; no matter how minute the possibility.

I will stick to dogs, thank you, for even dogs can wreak chaos.

David is convinced that Bam is a practicing Catholic. On the mornings that he and I are “otherwise occupied”, Bam poops on the floor without fail, as if to punish us for having sex outside of the holy union of marriage. Then, post-coital, the dog likes to come up and stick his entire person in between us as if to say, “I’ve had quite enough, thank you! Return to your respective corners.”

And on that note, I’m going to pry Bam out of David’s crotch and take a nap in his arms while Luke and Lex slumber.

Alexa is now officially a career woman; fast on her way to becoming a contributor to the evil pig empire known as capitolism. Well, okay, she just started kindergarten, she has some time before she’s breaking her back for the Man….

We started the day early. I woke up before the rest of the family and made Alexa’s lunch and took a shower. David made a fantastic breakfast of biscuits, gravy, bacon and eggs. My dad and BIODAD5000 came over to eat some grub and watch our Princess take her first steps into “big girl school”. We sat down to the wonderful breakfast, my father trying his best to make small talk with BIODAD5000. To my father’s credit, he makes a huge effort with BIODAD, however, it all just has a way of making an already awkward situation that more awkward. BIODAD5000 does not seem to want to communicate or be in our presence, so sometimes I wonder why he subjects himself to us. But he does, all the while emitting the surliness of a 15 year old boy forced to watch Beaches with his overbearing mother. But I digress…

Shortly after what from this point forward will be known as Most Awkward Breakfast Ever, it was time to take Lex to school. We met the teacher at the door and after some emotionless hugs and kisses, Alexa and Patrick (one of her classmates) trotted off hand-in-hand, skipping into a world where Fiskar Scissors and an eight pack of Crayolas rule supreme. As their tiny shapes grew smaller in the distance, I became rudderless. David grabbed my hand, asked me if I was okay, and pushed me towards the minivan. (Oh, dude, did I tell you I drive a minivan now? I’ve officially done the unthinkable.)

We did a bunch of activities this morning to help distract me from the fact that my heart is now sitting in a classroom 2 miles away — like buy some new panties and bras, let Luke ride the carousel at the mall and spend a little quality time snuggling. Believe it or not, the day has gone rather fast. And now I only have another hour and 15 minutes before it’s time to pick Princess up from school.

Luke keeps asking when he gets to start “big boy school”. He will be going to daycare two days a week starting tomorrow. He can’t wait to go, so it’s a little less scary. It’s still weird though — I feel as if I’m ringing in a new phase of parenthood, what with school lunches and Back to School Night and all that other jazz that is not baby-toddler related.

Now, I make lasagna, the Princess’s favorite dinner.